In the days leading up to Mother's Day, something was bugging me. And then I remembered: the way we celebrate the day is too gendered.
For example, yesterday Laura and I made dinner at my family's house, so that my step-mom wouldn't have to. From talking to other people this seems to be a relatively common practice. Yet, the ironic thing about it is that it implies that on all the other days of the year my step-mom has to make dinner. And, in practice, she sort of does. After all, in many families—mine in included—making the food is often the mother's job, whether she likes it or not. On the other hand, is that good? Shouldn't (typically gendered) tasks be more equally shared throughout the year?
The problem here, as I see it, is that some women probably would prefer to assume different roles in their families, but our cultural modes of celebrating mother's day tell them that they shouldn't (or even can't). (And, of course, this works similarly for men on Father's Day, though it seems to me, to a lesser extent.) In other words having the men in a household make dinner on Mother's Day suggests that that action is an aberration. It's a "favor" or gift that they're giving, not something that they're typically responsible for. Implicitly, this also suggests that a mother should cook, and I'd she doesn't she somehow a less adequate person.
For example, yesterday Laura and I made dinner at my family's house, so that my step-mom wouldn't have to. From talking to other people this seems to be a relatively common practice. Yet, the ironic thing about it is that it implies that on all the other days of the year my step-mom has to make dinner. And, in practice, she sort of does. After all, in many families—mine in included—making the food is often the mother's job, whether she likes it or not. On the other hand, is that good? Shouldn't (typically gendered) tasks be more equally shared throughout the year?
The problem here, as I see it, is that some women probably would prefer to assume different roles in their families, but our cultural modes of celebrating mother's day tell them that they shouldn't (or even can't). (And, of course, this works similarly for men on Father's Day, though it seems to me, to a lesser extent.) In other words having the men in a household make dinner on Mother's Day suggests that that action is an aberration. It's a "favor" or gift that they're giving, not something that they're typically responsible for. Implicitly, this also suggests that a mother should cook, and I'd she doesn't she somehow a less adequate person.
Obviously lots of women like to cook, lots of men don't, and flipping individual roles isn't a huge deal. What is disturbing, however, is when these behaviors become codified and foisted on those who don't appreciate them. As I listen to men and women talk at church, school, work, etc., making dinner on Mother's Day is something that men are encouraged to do. Similarly, all the women at my church were given roses this year, and in past years the men and women were given very gender specific gifts. (Laura actually gave me her rose, because she didn't really want it and I did.)
My point here, I suppose, is that Mother's Day and Father's Day are moments when our cultural constructs regarding gender become painfully apparent. Woman-as-homemaker is simply an accepted role, as is Man-as-provider/worker. These roles are simply taken for granted and accepted as good. For some people they certainly work, but when a culture so easily accepts them and equates them with "good" or "appropriate" it also requires those for whom they don't work to accept them.
I think your post makes a good point. I find it interesting that gender specific roles aren't required for a mother and father to still fulfill their roles in the family. I also found it interesting to think back to my growing up years and remember how my parents handled the cooking issue. Even if my Dad was coming straight home from work or from after-church meetings, he always jumped right in to cooking. I think it is just because he likes to cook... just like some men like to plop on the couch while thier wives cook for them (I have been found guilty of this on occasion!) Only when my Dad was working would my mom cook alone... although my Dad passed on the love of cooking, so we would try to help out.
ReplyDeleteIf God didn't want women to cook for their families every night, then why did he lay it out so specifically in the scriptures? Oh wait. . .
ReplyDeleteAll of these questions are specifically cultural, as you point out. I think that we're quickly evolving our culture into an increasingly more egalitarian place to be. Once the boomers die out I think we'll see massive cultural progression affecting the laws as well.
I really liked your analysis about how replacing your step-mother's cooking for the night could only be seen as a gift if you first presumed that it was her responsibility. I do most of the cooking, and I struggle to make sure that it never just becomes habit or a responsibility. I do it because I enjoy it and because I love to cook for Amanda. If I ever felt that it was a responsibility, rather than something I want to do, I'd stop immediately. I'd be really offended if Amanda cooked me dinner so that I "didn't have to."
P.S.-I was really confused when I read that first comment. I didn't recognize having written it, but I'm not used to there being other people named Dane around.
First thought: I think it is interesting that only men so far have commented on this post. Second thought: I am not a mother, and although I plan to be one someday, mother's day reminds me why I am sometimes wary of the issue because it reminds me how narrowly the role of "the good woman" or the mother is defined by our society. I am not really interested in the additional prejudice associated with motherhood and the role of the mother.
ReplyDeleteRead the book. Way of the superior man. it touches on these points, especially career, meaning in life, and sexual essence. Its kind of corny sometimes but it has a good point how roles have changed since the sixties, neutralizing love and passion in relationships. But Im hoping as I read further that they explain the roles that we broke in the sixties still exist. like you pointed out. good topic!
ReplyDelete