Mother's Day

I've commented on this topic before here, but I wanted to add some more thoughts in light of this year's recent Mother's Day.

In the days leading up to Mother's Day, something was bugging me. And then I remembered: the way we celebrate the day is too gendered.

For example, yesterday Laura and I made dinner at my family's house, so that my step-mom wouldn't have to. From talking to other people this seems to be a relatively common practice. Yet, the ironic thing about it is that it implies that on all the other days of the year my step-mom has to make dinner. And, in practice, she sort of does. After all, in many families—mine in included—making the food is often the mother's job, whether she likes it or not. On the other hand, is that good? Shouldn't (typically gendered) tasks be more equally shared throughout the year?

The problem here, as I see it, is that some women probably would prefer to assume different roles in their families, but our cultural modes of celebrating mother's day tell them that they shouldn't (or even can't). (And, of course, this works similarly for men on Father's Day, though it seems to me, to a lesser extent.) In other words having the men in a household make dinner on Mother's Day suggests that that action is an aberration. It's a "favor" or gift that they're giving, not something that they're typically responsible for. Implicitly, this also suggests that a mother should cook, and I'd she doesn't she somehow a less adequate person.

Obviously lots of women like to cook, lots of men don't, and flipping individual roles isn't a huge deal. What is disturbing, however, is when these behaviors become codified and foisted on those who don't appreciate them. As I listen to men and women talk at church, school, work, etc., making dinner on Mother's Day is something that men are encouraged to do. Similarly, all the women at my church were given roses this year, and in past years the men and women were given very gender specific gifts. (Laura actually gave me her rose, because she didn't really want it and I did.)

My point here, I suppose, is that Mother's Day and Father's Day are moments when our cultural constructs regarding gender become painfully apparent. Woman-as-homemaker is simply an accepted role, as is Man-as-provider/worker. These roles are simply taken for granted and accepted as good. For some people they certainly work, but when a culture so easily accepts them and equates them with "good" or "appropriate" it also requires those for whom they don't work to accept them.

Father’s Day/A Celebration of Virility

Tomorrow is Father’s Day, so I figured it might be a good time to reflect on this day of fatherly celebration.  More specifically, I’d like to take this opportunity to explore the strange fact that Father’s Day (and Mother’s Day) seem to be more a celebration of male-ness (or female-ness on Mother’s Day) than of actual parenting. 

 

My perception of Father’s Day is inevitably influenced by the way it is celebrated at my church.  For the past few years (both when I was single and now that I'm married), I have received a gift from my ward (aka congregation).  Usually it's something small, like a candy bar or a cinnamon role.  On Mother’s Day I’ve seen women receive similar gifts, as well as things like small plants or home decorations (I’m not going to get into gender stereotyping here, though obviously it goes on).

 

The odd thing about these events, nice as they are, is that I am not a father.  When Laura has received gifts in the past it has struck me as equally odd, as of course she isn't a mother.  Indeed the typical criteria for who receives a gift is usually just being over 18 years old and of the male gender (for Father’s Day, or female gender for Mother’s Day).  While I always love to get a big candy bar, casting the celebratory net so wide seems to trivialize that actual act of parenting.  After all, if I don’t have kids what am I being congratulated for?

 

The result of this situation, and the answer to that question, seems to be that I am being honored for my sexual potential to have children.  In this case, Father’s Day becomes a celebration of male virility, while Mother’s Day becomes a celebration of female fertility.  Of course, there may be people receiving these gifts who are not physically capable of having children, but it seems like more of a theoretical celebration, as if to say, “in the ideal world we’d all be sexually potent, so have a Twix.” 

 

I’m not opposed to this turn of events, but I think we should acknowledge it for what it is.  After all, just because we don’t want people to feel bad or left out doesn’t mean that we should honor them for something they didn’t do.  Instead, lets continue to honor the male and female genders, while also acknowledging parenting and those lucky people who happen to be parents.  Perhaps we can initiate a new kind of day; it could be called Parents Day and the criteria for getting a candy bar is actually having sired a child.  Otherwise, if we do nothing, we make no distinction between parents and non-parents and accordingly suggest that those people who are raising children aren’t really doing anything more than the child-less.    

 

I don’t know how widespread this issue is.  As I mentioned above, my understanding of these holidays is inevitably informed by my church experience.  (I realize that many people probably have smaller, family celebrations and so none of this really applies.)  However, if we are going to claim to celebrate parenting, lets do that.  If not, maybe its time to change the name from Father’s Day to Male Virility Day.