I’m no fan of giving gifts. In fact, in my ideal world there would probably be no gift giving at all. Why? Because, more often than not, both the recipient and the giver end up feeling guilty, inadequate, or just plain bad.
Don’t get me wrong, I like to receive great gifts as much as the next person. The problem is that if I need something, I usually go out and buy it before anyone has a chance to give it to me. On those occasions when I don’t, it’s also rare that anyone knows I need the item, or the item is just too expensive. For example, the thing I probably most need at the moment is a new computer. However, I’m not going to spend the money on that right now, so it’d be a wonderful gift to get, except that it would be too expensive for anyone to give me. If someone did give me a computer I’d probably feel really guilty and uncomfortable that they spent so much, so in the end I wouldn’t want it anyway. The point is that I either have the things I need (and want), or I don’t really want them as presents.
This works the other way too. If I’m going to give someone something the whole process of preparing the present creates a build-up that almost inevitably ends in let-down. Usually, one of several things will happen but the worst case (and all-to-common) scenario is that the recipient will not guess what it is because they think its something different and/or better than it really is. This situation usually causes the recipient to be disappointed (because it wasn’t the desired item) and the giver to be embarrassed (because they didn’t know what to give, couldn’t afford it, etc.). And lets also not forget that what you give someone reveals your perception of that person. This is a disheartening prospect: who hasn’t either received a present or given one where the ultimate question seems to be “so this is how you think of me?”
Another problem with gift giving is that the act of revealing the gift requires a performance from everyone involved. The recipient has to seem genuinely excited, but not too excited because that could look fake, and the giver has to act pleased regardless of what they feel. I think that this is a particularly difficult aspect of exchanging presents. Who hasn’t seen a person that seemed visibly disappointed after opening a present? I see this all the time and the only person who looks more pathetic is the giver, whose hopes of giving a nice gift have just been dashed.
Ultimately giving gifts seems to be one of the biggest sources of unnecessary guilt and embarrassment out there. I’ve seen gift cards work (at least the pretense of personalization and pricelessness is dropped), but many people find them impersonal, especially for close family members. Of course, every group of people work this out differently, but in the end I wonder why we continue to put ourselves through something that is supposed to be fun, but usually just makes everyone feel bad.
My sister and I talk about this all the time... I think the real problem is not in gift giving/receiving but in the "I want it and I want it now" mentality that is so prevelant in our society right now (maybe a tiny tiny tiny TINY bit less since the recession). Never before have people catered to their own impulses and desires like they do today. I remember my dad saving up to buy an engine for a model rocket he was building. It's probably 30 or less dollars... which today we would think about for a few seconds, but in the end that isn't enough to make us really think about our actions.
ReplyDeleteJohn and I for a while were on a super tight buget that allowed us only 40$ a month for anything fun we wanted to spend on (going to the movies included) ourselves... that means one fun activity or one purchase of our own choice a month. Gifts also came out of this money, so if someone had a birthday coming up we spent a few months saving so we could get them something good. It mades the gifts, no matter what they were, all the sweeter because we knew the sacrafice the other person was making to give them to us. We've not followed it as close lately, but I hope to always have a budget like that... one that really makes me think about what I am doing/spending.
Also, some of the coolest celebrations John and I have had take a lot more planning and a lot less spending. We live near, well, pretty much nothing out here so we have to make a lot of our own fun. We'll set up the house like a restruant and pretend we are going out to a five course dinner... stuff like that. I've been super embarassed giving gifts before, but when the other person understands my thinking of why I gave what I gave usually that fades and we have something really good to laugh about.
Interesting topic.
I cannot agree more with you Jim... I have had the unfortunate experiences of falling disappointed into both categories many times, and then felt embarrassed for not having more control over my outward emotions. I think it may be easier for some people who are just naturally better actors, and so can be both gracious in gift-giving and especially gift-recieving... but i think it always is an act; even when I am really pleased with a gift or excited by it I still have to think: "am I showing enough of my excitment and gratitude?", "am I showing too much?", "I hope the person who gave me this gift realizes I am sincere." And then even more acting is required for the times when its not quite sincere, which is even harder.
ReplyDeleteWith all the importance attributed to the meaning of gifts and the prickly etiquette required in both giving and receiving, I am surprised there aren't classes in it! (Or more likely there ARE classes in it, or at least were and still are for the wealthy -- isn't that what finishing school is all about?) And regarding Jill's comment perhaps the reason people "appreciated" gift-giving and gift-recieving more in earlier time periods doesn't have so much to do with the idea of the "I-want-it-and-i-want-it-now" mentality of today (which incidentally I think has more to do with the natural human condition and is not really the exclusive domain of contemporary society anyways), but rather may be attributed to a certain social training or conditioning in gift-giving/recieving, which has since been lost or neglected. Like the idea of etiquette schools in general. Perhaps gift-giving/receiving etiquette has been slightly outmoded with the advent of gift cards in general, which Jimmy seemed to suggest.
One way to give/recieve gifts that lessons the discomfort, embarrassment and acting involved is the way my grandparents did gifts: when they gave gifts to each other they talked about it before hand, made decisions together, shopped and bought it together, and then went through the ridiculous traditions of wrapping and ribbon, which is the best part anyways, right? Granted, this does take the surprise out of it, but in the end I think it increases overall satisfaction and appreciation on both sides.
I don't think gift-giving should be entirely done away with, just formal, traditional gift-giving. I'm always thinking of things I could give people, that I know they want and that I can get for them, but then I have to save it up for Christmas or a birthday, because if I give it to them when I think of it, I won't have anything to give them for those later, expected occasions. That was a really long sentence, but my point is that I like giving gifts when I know what to give, but the expected formality just ruins things.
ReplyDeleteJill: I agree about living on a budget and what not, but if its the thought that counts I'd really rather just have a person spend time with me or make some present (even if its just a hand written card or something). I'll definitely appreciate any gift, but it will matter less than those things.
ReplyDeleteLaura: I think that youre right about human nature and whatnot, as well as a CHANGE in etiquette.
Redoubt: I think that you make some really good points. I have also experienced similar things. I would probably say that I agree: keep gifting but make it less about the event. It seems like this will also make it more meaningful for everyone.